Friday, February 03, 2012

jokes

Lots of things are making me grumpy these days. It's mostly stuff that is completely out of my control, like the current political discourse (or lack thereof), people who put everyone at risk for whooping cough because they refuse to vaccinate their kids, Anya waking up far too early in the morning and then being crabby and tired the whole day (we're working on this)...also, it seems like winter is kind of passing us by, which makes me feel all out of sorts. I know a lot of people are more than happy to bypass bitter cold and snow, but I for one have finally embraced it, and I'm disappointed that we can't go sledding or ice skating. It's just kind of muddy and drab out there.

However, rather than continuing to gripe, I think I'll share my favorite jokes. I only know a few, but they are short and SO corny, which is how I like my jokes. Here goes:

1. What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

2. What did the Dalai Lama order from the hot dog cart in New York?
Make me one with everything.
(Thanks to Pam for this one! It's still one of my favorites.)

3. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
An impatient cow.
An impatient cow wh--
MOOOOO!

4. (And now for the esoteric):
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.

5. I have no #5. I'm serious. I only know four jokes! So here's where you come in! What's your favorite joke? Please share in comments. Keep them short and clean; dirty jokes are never as funny as the people who tell them think they are.

9 comments:

Jessi said...

Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

Claire said...

Ben's favorite joke is : Q: How do you catch a bear? A: Act like a blueberry! It makes for a fun time with the kids and they can come up with their own. Ben also came up with: Q: How do you catch a Grandma (meaning, my mom)? A: Act like a cup of coffee!

Ahhhh, 5-yr old humor!

Scott said...

Okay, I had to copy this one off the internet because it's hard to remember the details:

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything…tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and more.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his Report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an ’A’ in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’ Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. ‘Well, then,’ she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?’

Little Zachary looked at her and said, ‘Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

ML said...

I love corny jokes! Here is my favorite:

Q. What was the last thing said at the last supper? A. Whoever wants in the picture get on this side of the table!

~ML

Anonymous said...

Granddad told the story of when he worked for Postal Telegraph. They hired a guy who told jokes for two days without stopping, and didn't repeat a single one. I do not recall him ever telling me any one of the jokes, probably because he himself didn't remember any, just that there was such a large number of jokes from one person. I have no idea if they were off color. And I don't know if the guy lasted longer then two days.

-Dad

Pam said...

Yay! I feel so famous! :-) More!
+++
Why can't the Buddha vacuum his house?
Because he's lost all of his attachments!
+++
What do cows do on Saturday night?
Go to the moo-vies!
+++
Knock knock! Who's there? A little girl. A little girl who? A little girl who can't reach the doorbell.
+++
What did the snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
+++
Where do sheep go to get a hair cut?
To the baa baa shop.

Scott said...

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had no body to go with!

Strangeite said...

Currently, this is my favorite joke.

"Get Out! We Don't Serve Your Kind Here!

So, two faster-than-light neutrinos walk into a bar."

canadahauntsme said...

I know talk like a pirate day isn't until September, but I can't help myself.
+++++
How much do pirates charge for corn? A buccaneer.
+++++
Did you hear about that new pirate movie? it's rated ARRRRR!
+++++
So a pirate with a peg leg, an eyepatch, and a hook for a hand walks into a bar. He sits down and the bartender says "wow, you've certainly been through a lot! How did you lose your leg?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, I was in battle when a cannon blasted me leg clean off." The bartender exclaims "That's awful! What happened to your hand?" The pirate replies, "I lost it in another battle swordfightin' a swashbuckler when he lopped it clean off." The bartender replies "Wow! So how did you lose the eye?" The pirate says "We were sailing into port when I heard seagulls above us and... er... unfortunately I looked up." Says the bartender "Oh dear, that must have been unpleasant... but, uh... that doesn't explain why you lost the eye." Says the pirate "Aye, but at that point I wasn't used to the hook yet!"
++++++