10 ways to remove a skunk from your lunchbag or cafeteria

My parents were here for Thanksgiving this year, which was quite lovely, and before they left - right before they left, in fact - they deposited a(nother) box of stuff from my old room at home for me to peruse and dispose of as I like. This one contained the following: a little bit of junk, a good-sized stack of flute music that I doubt I'll ever play again, a framed certificate for being a good speller in 1987 (it went downhill after that, I'm afraid), a couple recital programs from college, and a folder full of my original creative writing from elementary and middle school. Some of it I tossed, but some I just had to keep. And tonight, I'm sharing just a little bit with you.

The following was hand written on lined notebook paper. There is no date but it's cursive and legible, so it had to have been late 4th grade or 5th grade. I'm preserving all the original grammar and spelling. (Yeah, I know. Slow day here in blogland.)

10 Ways to Remove a Skunk from Your Lunchbag or Cafeteria
By: Susan

#1: Make sure that the lunch monitor doesn't scream when you show her. Then, call the vet. As he performs surgery on the lunchbag, tell everyone to be very quiet and exit the cafeteria.

#2: Have a trankurlizer gun ready in case the skunk wakes up. If he/she wakes up, shoot him with the gun, and when he goes to sleep, put him/her in your little brother's bed. Ask your "brother" how the skunk got into the bag.

#3: First, get a very quiet pair of scissors and cut him out of lunchbag. Then, carefully put him in a waterproof sack. Put a clothespin on your nose, and give him to the Hummane Society. Steralize your lunch, and EAT!!

#4: Tranqualize skunk to make sure he doesn't wake up. Put him outside and give him plenty of beetles so that he is not mad when he wakes up.



That's as far I got, evidently. What should I have added to the list? Anyone?


Strangeite said…
I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to tranquilize skunks, but I can recommend an extremely good service.

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Their chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Their two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Their "three" weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Their "four"...no... "Amongst" their weapons.... Amongst their weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.
Anonymous said…
I don't know what you are talking about in paragraph 2, but it reminds me of your freshman year in Spanish I, when I often didn't know what you were talking about either. The reverse of that was probably true as well.
Anonymous said…
Oops, I forget to sign my name.
Anonymous said…
Good one, mom :)
Jessi said…
Is Roy on crack? Were you ever in Spanish?

Whatever, very amusing. I cringe whenever I find things I wrote when I was younger. Especially poetry. God help the teenage poetess in me...
Strangeite said…
Come on people.

It is the SPANISH INQUISITION!!!! NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!

(I was mixing my Monty Python skits. The first sentence is from the Confuse A Cat skit and the second paragraph is from the second most famous skit of all time. THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!! NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!)

Steph said…
What is most hilarious is that you advised us all to go ahead and EAT OUR LUNCH after removing the skunk.
Pam said…
Did this really happen? or were you just a very creative little girl?
canadahauntsme said…
*tsk* you blamed all the skunks you found in your lunchbags on ME!

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