Sunday, April 15, 2012

tongue-tied

Sorry for the lapse in blogging of late, folks. I seem to have a lot to think about, but nothing to say, for some reason. I've been preoccupied with the minutia of life, settling back into routine after a week away with the kids, and thinking ahead to summer plans (nothing earth-shattering, but I need to make sure we have enough to do, the kids and I).

I've also been a little busier than normal with freelance work, which is generally a good thing, but I'm feeling a bit restless, like I need a good, challenging project to motivate me. What comes my way for the most part these days is playing concerto reductions for young, talented string players for all their various auditions and masterclasses. It's not bad work, and there is plenty of it, especially if you get a good reputation among the better teachers in town, but it's not my real passion. I don't really want to spend my whole career as a pianist doing this and nothing else.

I need a project I can really sink my teeth into, something where I'm an equal player, so to speak! The problem is, I'm not sure how to pursue the sort of performance opportunity I'm most interested in right now when I've got so many things to keep up with at home. I still don't have the time or ability to concentrate like I did when I was a graduate student. I thought I was busy in those days - ha! At least my time was my own and I could decide how I spent it in practice and rehearsals and all that. But then Daniel was born and I was able - just - to keep my head above water to finish my degree. Then I got pregnant with Anya and that was that.

I know that was almost five years ago and I should have worked through all this by now, but something about having two kids less than two years apart in the middle of a doctoral program sets you back a little. I've been trying to catch up ever since, and I don't think I've succeeded yet.

I'm very often frustrated, not because I'm really so unhappy with my lot in life overall, but because I feel so lopsided. I am not a career woman, at least not in the sense we're accustomed to hearing about. But I am also not a woman who thinks my education is best used solely in raising my children. I actually don't think having advanced degrees in music makes me a better mother, and I'd rather not let all that training go to waste, especially since it's still my passion. Maybe that makes me selfish, but it's the honest truth.

My next step, I suppose, is to swallow up this frustration and channel it into something more productive than periodical bouts of self-pity. I think a good first step would be to enter the 21st century and get myself a website. That sounds like a good summer challenge, don't you think?

2 comments:

ann said...

It doesn't make you selfish.

Hiralious said...

Go on, pursue your dreams. Life won't be given twice. Do what you love. Jump at it.

Your kids are adorable and if they are ok on their own then your professionalism won't do anyone any harm.

G'luck =)