so many feelings

You were expecting a Tuesday Night Fun Cooking! (on Wednesday) post, weren't you? Rest assured, one is coming. In fact, the kids and I got a head start on something in the slow cooker this morning.

But right now I am having lots of feelings about many, many things, and I sort of feel like my head might explode if I don't write some of them down.

I am kind of freaking out about the impending renovation project, for one thing. Yes, it will be disruptive and we don't know where all of our stuff is going to go or where Anya will sleep when they are cutting holes in her wall, but I think I can deal with all that. What I'm worried about is our neighbor, with whom we share a driveway, who is sure to unleash all of her crazy, paranoid anger at us as soon as she sees the excavation equipment rolling down the street. Even though I know we have the right to improve our own property, and even though we have been reassured multiple times by the subcontractors that they can stay within our property boundary, and even though we have an attorney willing to represent us should we need it, just thinking about it makes me shake.

Of course, all of this is going to happen the first week of school, which starts September 1st. Like most parents, I'm looking forward to school starting. We've reached that point of the summer when I either want to take another vacation or just start school NOW already, but neither is happening so in the meantime we're getting a little bored and twitchy. I've started waking up in the middle of the night, not in a panic exactly, but with my mind busy and racing with thoughts about what it will feel like to have kids in 2nd and 4th grades, worried I won't find enough freelance work, wishing the back yard didn't look so terrible, wondering if we're the only ones who know just how difficult the neighbor is and if it's somehow our fault.

To cope, I've been obsessing over details of the project, like picking out colors for backsplash tile and how to paint the living room walls, even though none of that needs to be decided for a while yet. I'm also in serious DECLUTTER mode, and I have several bags of stuff for the thrift store and a stack of books to sell at Frugal Muse. Going through clothes and toys overwhelms me. Where did all this stuff come from?! Why do people feel the need to give kids crappy little plastic prizes at every school function?! When did every purchase of new underwear or a bag of apples become an ethical decision worthy of the cover of Newsweek?!

Today I can't help but have feelings about everything. It's just happening to me whether I like it or not. This afternoon I will play some card games with my kids, help them clean out their rooms, drink some tea and take some deep breaths. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.


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