School Days

Wham! The summer is over, Labor Day has come and gone, and we're officially two days into the fall semester at UW. I was on campus briefly yesterday and was greeted with swarms of new students looking vaguely lost, pedestrians wandering across the busy streets apparently oblivious to the WALK and DON'T WALK signs, helmet-less bikers tempting fate by weaving in and out of traffic, and an overwhelming urge to just turn around and go home because I didn't want to face it. Not yet.

Is it possible to literally split in two from ambivalence? After all, the only things that kept me from losing my mind in the tedium and minutae of housewifery were:

1) Traveling. Despite the disruption to Daniel's sleeping and eating routines, we went a lot of places and saw a lot of family, so it was worth it.

2) Knowing that I would be returning to school in the fall and would have something to work towards besides housework and diaper changes. (I know there are women who are very happy working exclusively as full-time mothers; I totally respect that, but I am not one of those.)

Yet now that the semester has begun, I'm a little nervous about mustering up the motivation to do what it takes to finish my doctorate. Can I do a recital in six weeks? Will I pass my prelims in November? Will I find a satisfactory dissertation topic? Aren't my professors all getting sick of me at this damn school? What if I can't cut it as a grad student and as a mom, even though countless people before me have done it? Gah!

So that's where I am right now, everyone: bouncing back and forth between the relief excitement of returning to an element of my pre-motherhood life, and the anxiety of same.


Jenn Hacker said…
Relax, Suze. Live in the moment. When you're in each moment of your day, only think about that moment; don't stress over what needs to be done at home, or the time you're away from Daniel, etc. Be the Suze role you're having to play at that particular moment. I've found it's the best way to handle things when you're having to be five hundred different people at once.

Big hugs!
pamigelsrud said…
You can do it! You can do it! Rah! Rah! Rah! GO-O-O-O-O Susan!!! (I'm your cheerleader, girl!! If YOU can't do it, NO-body can!)
annalu alulu said…
When have you ever not passed something or been able to finish something? Ever?
Suze said…
ohhhhh, thanks guys. i wasn't fishing for compliments/affirmation, really. but i appreciate it.
Jenn Hacker said…
We know you weren't fishing... If you had been, we wouldn't have said anything. LOL! Into everyone's life must come a little encouragement!


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