A year ago today...

...is the day I found out baby Daniel was on the way. I remember that I was about 3 days late and couldn't stand it anymore, so I biked to Walgreen's at 7 in the morning to buy a pregnancy test. When that second little pink stripe appeared, I think I uttered pure expletives for about 10 minutes. But I had been through it before.

Almost exactly two years before Daniel was born, I had a miscarriage. That pregnancy had been completely unintentional, the result of our ineptitude with the Fertility Awareness Method. Still, we were really excited about it. Unfortunately, an ultrasound when I was supposed to be 10 weeks along showed no heartbeat and two weeks later I had surgery for the "failed miscarriage" (what a terrible term). Physically I recovered very quickly; I didn't even experience any pain at all after the surgery. Emotionally, it took a little longer, but I came out of it all right.

I've decided to share this story with you, even though it's very personal, because I think it's helpful to get these things out in the open. Until now I haven't told many people about that first pregnancy, just family, a few close friends, and the professors whose classes I kept missing for doctor's appointments. Since then, however, I've heard similar stories from so many friends. The fact that miscarriage is so common doesn't make it any less heartbreaking when you experience it, but it's important to hear other people's stories so you don't feel so alone.

It may surprise you, then, to hear that Daniel wasn't planned either, hence the anxiety a year ago when I took that pregnancy test. I wasn't at all disappointed to be pregnant, but it took me the whole summer to accept the fact that I was actually going to have a baby. I think the reality of it finally sank in when I started to show.

It's amazing to think that in a year, he's gone from this (last July):

to this (last December):

to this (last week):

Comments

Jenn Hacker said…
Love the pictures!

And thank you for sharing your story. I've never personally experienced it, but I have friends who have, and (before I was born) my brother Jerry was still-born. My mom was still sad about it, but strangely, after my sister died, Mom used to say they would take care of each other in Heaven. That comforted her. I hope you can find a thought to comfort you.

And baby Daniel is beautiful! (And even with 42 pounds gained, you still were teeny-weeny!)
pamigelsrud said…
Again, love the pictures!! I remember the day you told me you were pregnant. We were at the terrace and we took a walk on that trail by the lake. I was so excited for you and in such disbelief that all of a sudden you were pregnant and your whole life was going to change -- and our friendship, too. No more drinking together for a long while!! : ) I miss you!
Suze said…
I have a friend who had a stillborn child last summer. I can't even begin to imagine what that was like. How horrible.

Pam, you were the first person I told (besides Stu, obviously, and probably my parents)! I have to admit, it's nice to be able to drink again in great moderation of course. :)

I actually have a picture of me from just a week or two before Daniel was born but it didn't come out very well, so it shall remain un-posted!
annalu alulu said…
i think it's very special that you shared that story. and i'm so happy for you that you have such a BEAUTIFUL baby. that picture in the blanket reminds me of the one of you when you were a baby with the scarf on your head and flour everywhere, baking with your mommy. i think he looks like you, but the mouth/chin area looks a little like the one picture i've seen of your husband. anyway, he's a cute baby.
Lydia said…
Thanks, Suze, for sharing. My best friend in Richmond had four miscarriages and it is a ministry for her now to help people through when they experience one. So, your sharing, I'm sure, will help people you know to see that they can come through it.

Your Daniel is a cutie patootie.
canadahauntsme said…
He looks like that potato you're holding. Po-ta-to. Mash'em, boil'em, put'em in a stew.

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